I don’t know about you, but I was both elated and terrified when I found out I was pregnant with baby number 2. I had visions of two little loves playing and adoring one another. I dreamed of a long-lasting bond that only the friendship of siblings can create. And then, there, in the back of my mind, was the fear of what if- what if my spirited, high energy first daughter didn’t like the second baby, what if she was mean to it, what if she felt pushed aside? My mind was spinning with questions, the biggest of which was,
What should I do to prepare my little one for what was about to come?
Here are five things we found really successful:
- Hold other babies- Thankfully, we had friends and family who were having babies around the same time. When I would hold the baby, I would point out how our baby would be similar. We talked about how babies start small and grow into toddlers just like her. I would snuggle with the baby and when I handed the baby back, I would snuggle my toddler too. I told my daughter that our baby would stay with us and it would need mama, quite a bit, but I would always make time for her too.
- Prep family to acknowledge the older child first– Anyone who has had a baby knows they are like invisibility cloaks. Give birth to a new human and you disappear. When guests walk in the house, they immediately want to know, “where’s that baby”. This feels the same way for your toddler. All the guests who used to come and fawn all over them, are now all consumed by the baby. It can really add to jealous feelings. Ask your family and visitors to first greet and enjoy the company of your older child. While the new baby is completely aloof , your oldest will know they are still important too.
- Limit the words “no, because of baby”– This is a tough one, but I promise, it makes a difference. Imagine if every time you wanted your spouse to do something or pay attention to you, they responded with, “Not right now, hunny, I’m on my phone.” (I know, some of you know that feeling all too well). How would you feel about your spouse and their phone? Now imagine that you are two or three and don’t have the words to express your feelings and frustration. How might you act? So when your little wants help with a puzzle, try nursing the baby while sitting or lying on the floor. If they want you to read a story, invite them to cozy up next to you while you feed or burp the baby. If you absolutely can’t invite your older child into the space and engage in both activities at the same time, offer a distraction activity until you can engage with them. Just don’t connect having to wait to the baby.
- Make special time for the first- I found the best time for special activities was during the baby’s nap time. Having new, fun activities for two, an arts and crafts bin, or toys that only came out when the baby was sleeping was a helpful strategy for getting my first to settle down while I tried to get the baby down for a nap. It also helped her feel special and connected to me in a new and exciting way.
- Include them in the baby care- As often as I could, I asked my oldest to help with the baby care. She felt important and big when she was my special helper. I would vary the activities so it didn’t become a chore. Sometimes, she would fetch a diaper or the wipes, sometimes she got to attach the tabs or snaps of the diaper. Other times, she would help with feeding, burping or dressing the baby (socks are a great activity that always needs doing). My oldest loved being able to sing to her sister and rub her back to sleep. Whatever it is you are comfortable with, your oldest will likely dive right into. Not only will they feel capable and helpful, they will also get a boost of oxytocin, the hormone of love, which will help them fall in love with the newest family member as well.
We wish you the best of luck with baby number two. If you find yourself needing a few minutes of peace, an extra set of hands and eyes, or simply some emotional support, let us know. We have postpartum doulas who can help.
