This week’s post features a guest blog by Melissa Ferrigno. Melissa is the owner and Psychotherapist at Halcyon Therapy.

It’s okay to not love all parts of parenting. You are not alone.

I recently saw a quote that reads, “What screws us up the most is the picture inside our head of what it’s supposed to be.” “It” can represent many things… a job, a relationship, an athletic event, a first home. But, what about motherhood? What about the vision and expectation of how motherhood is “supposed” to look and feel? What about pregnancy and the vision and expectation of how that journey is supposed to progress? Ah, now we are talking.  I’ve learned through both personal, and professional experience, that try as we might we cannot control the future. We cannot control our experience of pregnancy and motherhood.

We live in a society where motherhood is an expected ideal for a woman. That it’s the greatest gift, a time full of love, gushy feelings, and living on Cloud 9 with endless baby snuggles. We also live in a society where pregnancy is expected to come naturally and be a glowing and special time. The unfortunate truth is that these visions in our minds and expectations from society (and often ourselves) are not reality. In fact, 1 in 8 couples experience infertility. There is nothing that feels natural, glowing, or special during an infertility struggle. Infertility is a challenging and exhausting experience that is every bit emotionally, mentally, and physically draining for couples. The statistics for Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs) are equally alarming. 1 in 5 women experience a perinatal mood and/or anxiety disorder. The Official Journal of The American Academy of Pediatrics reports that every year 400,000 infants are born to mothers who are depressed, which makes perinatal depression the most underdiagnosed obstetric complication in America. As a result, Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders are the number one medical complication related to childbearing. I’ve found in my work as a therapist that most women do not recognize that anxiety, OCD, and PTSD (due to traumatic birth/loss) fall into this category because most of the discussion surrounds postpartum depression and “baby blues.”  

For a mother, expressing anything less than being “completely in love” with her new baby leads to intense feelings of shame, guilt, fear of judgment, and embarrassment. This experience can lead many to fear that they cannot love their baby, that they are a bad mother, and that they are undeserving of this gift of life. Additionally, discussing infertility struggles or challenges with pregnancy and motherhood–following an infertility struggle–can greatly compound negative thoughts and feelings associated with pregnancy and motherhood. The negative feelings attached to these common, yet painful, experiences result in many women experiencing a less than idyllic transition into motherhood, suffering in silence, and often unaware of the need for help and support.

As a therapist, it is considered taboo to self-disclose our personal experiences with clients. While I can get behind the need for this boundary in most situations, delving into the world of maternal mental health has changed my perspective on the use of self-disclosure. It’s become clear to me that everyone’s passion for working with this group of women is fueled by our own story. I believe this only makes us more human to one another and widens the support tribe. I was inspired to open my private practice specializing in maternal mental health after watching my closest friends and family struggle with infertility, loss, and experiencing perinatal and postpartum anxiety during my pregnancy and after the birth of my son.  

There is great power in talk therapy. Women can experience significant relief by receiving validation that what they’re feeling is normal, that they are not “crazy,” that they are not a horrible mother. Women can be reassured that with the right treatment and support they can get well and feel like themselves again. In therapy, women can learn ways to reduce and eliminate their intrusive thoughts, to accept that these thoughts are not facts, and to learn ways to approach self-care holistically. Therapy can be healing for women struggling with infertility and loss. So often women feel alone during this struggle, even though they are experiencing this journey with a partner. Therapy can help women and couples heal after experiencing a loss of pregnancy, or a baby after birth. Learning healthy and appropriate ways to grieve is so important and healing to one’s recovery from such a painful and traumatic loss. Therapy can also help women heal from a traumatic birth so that negative feelings and experiences do not need to be attached to future pregnancies and deliveries.

My practice, Halcyon Therapy, is here to help women heal and find themselves again. Together, we establish goals that are best for you and your life. Help is out there. Support is out there. You can, and you will get better.  

-Melissa Ferrigno MA, LPC, NCC

Owner/Psychotherapist

Halcyon Therapy

150 N. Radnor Chester Road

Suite F-200
Radnor, PA 19087