I was raised in a large Italian family. If you know anything about an Italian family, you know we love food, talking (with our hands), and one another. When it was time to leave family events, we would say our goodbyes…to every…single…family member. Saying goodbye took just as long as the time we spent at the party. It was expected that you would hug and kiss everyone goodbye. I’m a pretty affectionate person, but I didn’t always want to hug and kiss the more distant relatives. I didn’t really know them, and wan’t always comfortable. But it was expected.
Today, I am the mother of three beautiful, opinionated, strong-willed little girls– and I’m still part of a large Italian family. I still make a point to hug and kiss all of my relatives goodbye before I leave, but one part of the story is different. I don’t expect my children to make physical contact with others because I don’t want to make them feel obliged to do anything with their body that they don’t want to. My children tag along as I say my goodbyes, they are asked if they wish to offer a hug and/or a kiss, but they are not made to do anything.
My children have been taught they are the owners of their body. When they say stop, it means stop. We make a point to teach them the limits of their interaction with one another and the importance of respecting someone else’s wishes when it comes to their body. I want my children to feel self-assured in their ownership and right to decide what they do with their body. Every. Single. Day.
Some people we encounter don’t understand this and get hurt or upset by it.
I realize a kiss goodbye might seem fairly benign… and in the grand scheme of life, it probably is. However, the lesson of being allowed, and even encouraged, to say no thank you to physical contact is lifelong.
My family members’ feelings are not mine to own… and they aren’t my children’s responsibility either. I don’t care if your feelings are hurt because my daughter didn’t want to kiss you. She affirmed a very critical understanding for herself when she said “no thank you”. She knows her body is hers and no one has the right to demand of her anything which she does not want to offer. I hope that she will have the confidence to tell her teenage love interest if she is unhappy with the direction the physical contact is going.
It’s a subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) lesson taught every day in our house, in the hopes that our children will grow up and continue to be the self-assured, confident and strong-willed individuals they are today.
