My husband is a stay at home dad. It’s not easy for any parent to stay home, but I think it is especially hard for fathers. Not only do they have to deal with the children and the responsibilities of the house, but they often have to deal with the challenges of society’s view of a situation outside the “norm”.
The challenge is not always blatant and disrespectful. Rather, it is often a subtle message that can easily be missed by those not connected to the stay-at-home dad’s circumstance.
I see this message in clothing. I’m sure you’ve seen it too. Someone thought it was cute to give us a shirt that says, “Don’t laugh, my daddy dressed me.” I know it’s a joke, but it sends the message that daddy can’t pick out an outfit. I have news for that person- I often consult my husband on outfits for work. He has an artist’s eye, he is honest and very, very helpful. He lets my children dress themselves, something I really struggled with initially. But I’ll tell you, my two and four year old like the freedom of choosing their own clothes. I like the trust and responsibility communicated by this opportunity.
And ultimately, will it matter if they wore mismatched socks, plaid and polka dots and shorts under their skirts? No. Will it matter that they felt empowered and in control of a few decisions in their lives? Yes!
I see it online. How many mom’s groups are available and active on Facebook? Tons. How many dad’s groups? Very, very few. Even fewer are active- But where’s a dad to turn for advice, support and a community of like-minded individuals? Staying at home can be isolating and frustrating. This is only compounded when dads have to join “mom’s groups” just to try to find a play date.
I see it at the park, dance class and Gymboree. Moms tend to chat with each other. But the dads, who almost always make up the minority, are rarely included in the discussions. It’s visible in the sideways glances from the other moms and body language such as backs slightly turned towards the fathers. Perhaps this is out of the fear and suspicion of men which society has taught women. But the reason does not change how the fathers feel. How often will the dads be invited to play dates? Almost never. Think what this has done for my children and their social experience. I challenge you to take notice.
I see it in the words of family and friends who joke and poke fun. I’ve been out to eat with people who felt the need to lean across the table to point out the dad alone with his three kids. “Do you think it’s his weekend?”– Could be. Or maybe he is happily married and taking his kids out for a special meal, or giving his partner some alone time, or possibly he’s a stay at home dad just trying to stay sane in a world of toddler babble and almost zero adult conversation for 10 hours a day.
When you see him out, Please don’t call my husband “Mr. Mom”. Yes, it was funny to watch Michael Keaton take on the role of the stay at home parent in 1983 when this was a very uncommon role for men. But my husband does not bumble around the house with little idea of how to keep the children alive. He spends his time baking fresh bread for them, making delicious and nutritious meals, teaching them through games and play, modeling strength and determination, encouraging them to to grow and harvest their own food. In a lot of ways he is more attentive than I could ever be.
He is a great father- even if he doesn’t do everything exactly as I would. I love that my daughters are lucky enough to spend this special time with him. I love that they will grow up seeing that the roles of society do not have to dictate their own futures.
The next time you see a dad with his kids, know his struggle is real. It’s hard, and he is probably busting his ass to make it through today. All the love stay-at-home dads. You deserve credit for doing what you do!
