Ambiguous Loss- It can show up in the form of the baby shower you no longer get to have, the fact that your mother is not able to fly up to be with you following your baby’s birth or even the replacement of the excitement you felt with fear of the unknown as hospital policies change on a daily basis. Many are experiencing loss during COVID-19.
So many things we took for granted as being a given for what our pregnancy or birth story would look like are being snatched away, replaced by feelings of uncertainty amidst the backdrop of the global pandemic COVID-19 created.
For many of us, when we think of the concept of grief and loss, we think of a physical loss, such as the death of a loved one.
What is ambiguous loss during COVID-19?
The term ‘ambiguous loss’ refers to the intangible losses that arise during life: a divorce, the loss of a long-held dream, the emotional absence but physical presence of a loved one.
Recognizing the feelings of ambiguous loss and grief that you may be experiencing during this season can be an important step towards acceptance. Refocusing your emotional energy on creating new expectations and offering yourself grace during this unexpected and unprecedented time can help you more forward.
Now, more than ever, in the midst of this COVID-19 crisis, your pregnancy, delivery and birth experience most likely looks vastly different than the vision you had held. Making space to allow for and hold the difficult emotions that arise: the sadness, disappointment and feelings of overwhelm, is so important. Many of the difficult emotions that may be arising for you during this time are simply normal reactions to an abnormal situation.
I think I am feeling the pain of loss during COVID-19
Giving a name to what you are feeling and recognizing the feelings of loss that may be arising for you, can help begin the process of grieving your loss and allow you to move toward a place of acceptance. Offering oneself compassion, oftentimes a foreign territory for women, meeting the difficult and acknowledging the emotions that are arising for us, is a kinder alternative to the suppression of such feelings that can oftentimes be a continued pattern which does not serve us long-term.
When it comes to motherhood, many of us both consciously and unconsciously hold dreams and expectations of how we will be and what this season of life will look like. When our experience does not match the expectations that we have held, the ‘shoulding’ on ourselves comes on stronger than ever.
I should be happier.
This should be easier.
I should feel grateful not overwhelmed.
Guilt also often arises in the gap between expectations and reality, especially when we have high standards about how we ‘should’ or ‘should not’ feel in comparison to what other people are going through. Pain and suffering are not a contest, ranking our suffering and pain in comparison to others rarely serves us. Instead, acknowledging and allowing our feelings can be a bridge towards acceptance and moving forward with what is present and determining what is and is not within our control.
What should I do if I am feeling the pain of loss during COVID-19?
Therapy offers a safe space in which to explore difficult emotions and feelings that may be arising for you during this time. As a therapist, I often like to use the metaphor of a volcano. We can only suppress difficult emotions so long before they tend to bubble up and erupt in other areas of our lives.
If any of this feels true of your experience, I would invite you to reach out to me at my practice, Next Era Therapy. During this time, we are offering online appointments for your convenience and safety. Together, within a safe, compassionate and collaborative space, we can support you on this ever-changing journey during this uncertain time.
In the words of author Anne Lamott,
‘The most profound thing we have to offer our children is our own healing’
You are the only one who can give your loved ones the healthiest, best version of yourself. Don’t hesitate to reach out for additional support during this time, we are all in it, sharing this journey together,
Be well,
Diana Mahoney, MSW, LCSW
https://www.nexteratherapy.com
