King of Prussia Doulas believes all births can be beautiful regardless of whether you choose, natural or medicated, vaginal or c-section. We have found that with support, information, being part of the decision making process and feeling a deep connection to their partner, our clients can look back on their birth experience with joy regardless of the outcome.

We also know, not all women get to experience the support and nurturing which leads to this positive experience.

I had a traumatic birth experience.

I am one of those women. The ones who hurt more on the inside than they do on the outside. The trauma of my delivery did not end with the birth of my daughter. I was constantly reminded of my pain by the careless words of well-meaning friends and family. 

Words matter. Especially to someone who has just delivered a baby. They matter that much more when a woman had a traumatic birth experience. 

When I was I was about to have my first child, I knew I wanted a natural childbirth experience, but I didn’t really consider my options beyond that.  Everyone I knew had babies in the hospital and that’s what I did too.  Despite my best efforts to have a natural, vaginal birth in a hospital, the birth ended in a c-section. This was a really traumatic experience for me because I did not prepare for it.  In my mind, I was going to have my baby the way I wanted to and that was that.  It never even crossed my mind that I might actually have a c-section.  I simply wasn’t going to let that happen.

But then it did. 

As I was being prepped for surgery, literally rolled into the OR, I was asking, “how will this impact my ability to have more children? I want many children.”  They didn’t want to talk about it. I was told, “You can talk to your doctor about that afterwards.” But I wanted to talk about it right then. 

Once the doctor delivered my sweet baby girl, they wrapped her in a blanket and brought her to “my side of the screen” so I could lay eyes upon her.  I saw my daughter, but did not feel her. I could not connect with her. I felt anger. Not joy. I looked at my newborn baby and only felt anger.

During my labor I was not given the power of accurate information. I was misled and not considered a partner in the decision making process. I was told what would happen rather than asked for informed consent.

After my child’s birth I was deflated, empty and aching. Not because there was no longer a baby within my womb. Rather it was an emotional response to an abusive situation.  These are not the emotions you are meant to feel on your child’s day of birth, but they were real, raw and came with a viscous twist of guilt. That day was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives; and instead I was angry. I felt misguided and abused and I couldn’t make space for anything else.

To compound the disappointment of having a cesarean section, my baby was cut during the surgery. When I asked about it they blamed ME!!! I didn’t even know this happened to babies during c-sections, and now they were blaming the injury on a bony protrusion within my body in order to protect themselves.  Ultimately, the truth came out and I was able to begin to process the events that transpired.

The traumatic birth experience continued well after the birth

In my efforts to reconcile what had happened, I tried to talk about it.  When I would share my experience, I was faced with the same response time and time again.  “The only thing that matters is she’s healthy.” Each time I heard this, it broke my heart into smaller pieces.  My struggle with disappointment, feelings of being angry and abused were discounted. The message I heard was that my feelings weren’t valid or that I was in some way ungrateful for the baby I had.

Maybe people didn’t know what to say and this was what they said just because it’s the rhetoric we hear.  It’s surely not meant to further injure a mother, but it was hurtful and discouraging.  It was not what I needed to hear.  I needed support. Nonjudgmental, unconditional support.  I needed to be encouraged to process the events. I needed to be able to share my feelings openly. I needed to be heard.

If you should encounter someone who has a disappointing birth experience, please remember a healthy baby is not all that matters.  The way the family feels about the birth matters. It’s okay to not feel warm and fuzzy about the birth experience and being told otherwise is harmful to the mother. Be supportive, listen and let the mother know it is okay to have the feelings she is experiencing.

When I was pregnant, someone gave me the advice to hire a doula.  I didn’t have time to explore that whole “doula thing” – what they were or why I should have one. Let’s say I wish I had made the time. There’s no guarantee things would have been different in the birth outcome, but I believe my postpartum experience would have been different. Regardless of the birth you are planning, a doula can help support you along the way.  And should things not turn out the way you hoped, she will help you process the events in a non-judgemental way. Nine months goes by very fast. Don’t wait to figure out the “whole doula thing.”

I finally found solace in ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network). Through reflection and acceptance of my own feelings, I no longer feel guilty or angry. If you experienced a disappointing delivery, we are here for you.