“I hate my husband.”
We hear it all the time. If you are a few weeks postpartum you may be starting to feel these feelings. If you haven’t had the baby yet, you may be in luck coming across this before you hit the “ I hate my husband ” part of postpartum.
The truth is, your feelings are normal, but not totally unavoidable. As your body is adjusting to the lack of hormones created by the now absent placenta, things are out-of-whack. Your hormone levels are trying to balance out (it takes up to two years btw). You are trying to figure out this whole feeding-the-baby-thing and you aren’t sleeping more than a few hours at a stretch. This is a really rough time in your life and sleep deprivation is no joke.
There’s more to it though. More than sleepless nights that are causing your feelings.
Something happens to women when they birth their babies. They change in a way their partners do not.
Their priorities shift. Their love shifts more deeply and completely than they ever could have imagined. It literally makes their heart feel like it may explode. Their world shifts. Life becomes all about their little human.
Mothers often start to forget about themselves in the process of being all-consumed by their baby. Over the first few days, the sacrifice is willingly given. Over the first few weeks, she starts to settle into her new routine. But slowly, her feelings change.
Her hair goes unwashed, her dishes pile in the sink, her meals sit cold on the table because the baby ALWAYS wants to eat just as her meals are served. Her partner offers to help at night so she can get some sleep but she just lies awake listening to her baby fussing- knowing she could quiet her little one just by bringing the baby to her breast. Her frustration begins to set in.
After the first week or so, she sees her partner has resumed his “normal” life and that makes this new, strange experience harder and more isolating for her. She starts to resent her husband. It steeps over time and she finds herself frustrated over seemingly benign issues such as how much he filled the tea kettle. This is the moment thoughts of “I hate my husband” begins.
The hormone-shifts and being the most familiar and comforting human in the world to your new baby can’t really be avoided. However, you and your partner can do some things to help you avoid husband hate.
Stop the Husband Hate in its tracks.
- Regular communication is a great way to deal with the feelings you are experiencing. It’s okay to talk about what is frustrating you, but it’s also really important to apologize when you have lashed out in a hormonal moment. He knows you aren’t yourself, and hearing you own that will go far in keeping him involved in a positive way.
- Get a few warm meals. Ask your partner to hold the baby while you eat a warm meal. This is a great time for the one bottle per day you’ve been meaning to try out. Alternatively, he can feed you some bites while you nurse the baby for the four thousandth time today.
- Ask for help. When the visitors come to call, ask for help. Create a list of things that really matter to you- those things that really bug you when they aren’t complete. When someone offers, ask for help.
- Get some sleep. A few extra hours can make you feel like a human. Feed the baby every two to three hours during the daytime hours. With this feeding schedule, babies typically have one “long” sleep at night. Try to figure out when your baby’s long sleep starts. Take advantage of this period. Feed the baby and head to bed. Let your partner take care of the details of settling your baby. If you timed it right, you may get 4-6 hours at a stretch. Typically, partners are happy to help in whatever way they can, so keeping the baby from 7-12 or so isn’t the end of the world.
- Find the others. When your partner resumes life as usual, goes to work, has lunch with other adults and comes home with stories that don’t involve shit and regurgitated milk, you may find that the darkness of loneliness consumes you. Find other adults with whom you can spend time. Don’t worry about making your house perfect. No one cares. Have a snack and a laugh together. Swap war stories and process your postpartum experience. You need other adults in your life.
Just remember. The hormonal shift can make you feel out-of-whack, but you don’t have to suffer. If you already hate your husband, it probably won’t last forever. If you aren’t ready to lean on your friends and family, our postpartum doulas can help with all five steps. They can help you process your feelings so that your communication is open, honest and filtered through the stuff that isn’t really bothering you. They can help with the baby so you can get a warm meal, shower or sleep and they will be the other ADULT who can not only keep you company, but also offer wise counsel in a very vulnerable time. You’ve got this, but we can help.
