That’s right. My daughter’s birthday made me sad and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Jocelyn’s birthday is wrought with emotion for me due to the nature of her birth- an unplanned, unwanted cesarean section; but that’s not what made me sad this year. It was the fact that she was one day older than yesterday. It made my heart ache.
Jocelyn has been an intense child since she was born and has a very strong sense of ownership over her life. Think, “I’m almost 18 and you can’t tell me what to do,” only that started at 2. It’s far from easy to be her mother, but with great challenge comes great reward.
She has desires and preferences and she makes them known. She is an amazing little person and that’s just the trouble. All of a sudden, I had to start thinking about her as a little person rather than a baby. Almost without warning. It seemed that one day she woke-up as a little kid and my baby was gone- to live on in pictures and memories alone.
This year, she planned her own birthday party. She picked the location, wrote the guest list and designed the cake. It had to be a blueberry-lemon cake with pink icing and Deanna Troi on top. Yes, she’s currently a fan of Star Trek.
The morning of her party she woke up announcing that it would be the best day ever and that she was four! (Well not quite there kiddo- but you can’t tell her because she already knows everything and I know very little.)
It was then that I realized I had a big girl and it made my heart sad. How many more times would she ask me to snuggle with her at night, or need help putting her shoes on the right feet? How much longer will she say “Can you say them’s names,” or need me to brush out her hair? How many more times will I be able to lift her up and blow raspberries on her belly, or be able to wrap her whole little hand inside my own? Those moments are fleeting. The little nuances of baby seem to wash away with each passing morning as a strong, young lady begins to emerge from within.
A few days after she was born I was told not to blink lest I miss a single moment. I try to live by that and appreciate every second. Raising children is just a season in one’s life and seasons seem to come and go faster and faster the older I get. My baby, the one who made me a mother, is not a baby anymore and I have to accept that-
But I don’t have to like it.
This is so powerful Lacey. The days do seem to fly by! Looking back at the time from Maddie’s birth until now…wow I’m speechless when I really think about it.
Jocelyn is an amazing little girl! She is so wise beyond her years. You are a wonderful mother! I admire your motherly instincts and patience; as I’m sure raising three beautiful little girls is quite a challenge.
I still need cuddles from my mom 30 years later and I still need her help and I still have a million questions for her…just on a different level:)