1 in 4 women have a miscarriage in their lifetime. Many won’t share their loss with others. Whether it is due to shame, guilt, or simply not wanting the sympathy of others, many experience the empty grief alone, suffering in silence.
Recent movements have sought to reduce the stigma associated with loss. While knowing you aren’t alone doesn’t make losing a baby any easier, it does let you know that your feelings are real and may help you find comfort and support in others.
If you or someone you know experiences a pregnancy loss, some background may be helpful.
The feelings you have when you see that double set of lines is crazy…it’s exciting…maybe a little nerve wracking..but it’s a real thing, you’re looking at the evidence that you are already growing a very tiny, tiny little human inside of you.
You wait for your partner to come home from work and you celebrate together, talking and planning all the things you’re going to do when you become a family of 3.
Then you start thinking up all the creative ways to tell your family about this sweet little gift that is due to arrive in just 9 short months.
A couple weeks go by, the excitement builds day by day as you continue to anticipate the timeline of events that will unfold with this new adventure. You even download the app to tell you exactly what size your baby is each week, from a poppy seed to a sesame seed to a pea.
Then one day, you’re going about your daily schedule, getting ready to leave the house to go out that Saturday night when you see it. You go to the bathroom to pee and you see that spot of blood. Instantly your heart drops. You were feeling fine, you’ve even started the prenatal vitamins and have been eating healthier this week. Could this really be happening or is it just the spotting that is sometimes very common? You don’t know what to do…what can you do? All the things are just racing through your head but you pull up your pants and you go out that night. You pretend that nothing is wrong but that’s all you can think about every second of every minute.
At first it starts out slow but each day is a little different, sometimes more blood, sometimes less. Some days more cramps, others not as many.
It looks different for different people. You want to talk to someone about it but then again, it might be easier to just keep it to yourself. You want to feel sad but don’t want to bring others down. You don’t feel anything at all but you feel like you should feel something. No matter what you feel or don’t feel, nothing feels right.
Well I’m here to tell you, WHAT YOU’RE FEELING IS REAL AND YOU’RE NOT ALONE.
Having a miscarriage is the loss of a baby before the 20th week.
But having a miscarriage means so much more than that.
It means the loss of cute little outfits, dance recitals, flag football games, vacations together, prom, graduation and a wedding. It means sadness, grief, confusion, depression, numbness, pain, anger or guilt.
When a friend or family member experiences a loss, remember it is more than just a pregnancy. A mother does not distinguish between her unborn baby and the person they will become.
If you are faced with supporting a friend through a loss, remember to listen more than talk. There are no words that will take away the pain, make it easier or bring their child back. But words can add to the suffering. It is better to say nothing or a simple I hear you and I’m here for you.
Meals, support with the household tasks, and the ability to simply sit and hold space are helpful.
Some families long for help putting away baby items while others want to do it privately. Some want to talk and share the pain of lost hopes and dreams. Others want company without talking. Still others want privacy. Ask your loved one where they are so you can best support them.
Everyone processes loss differently. Allow your friend or family to experience their loss their own way. Be there to support them where they are and affirm their feelings.
If you or someone you know has experienced a loss and needs support, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
By: Jalecia Reichert
